look at her;
she's the epitome of a skeleton; frail little bones wrapped thin under sheet-white skin and big blue eyes swollen white-red on the inside, swirling veins around them like ivy brushes. little wisps of brittle raven-wheat straight on her egg-face, thin as puppet strings and vacant in gusts of wind.

she has dark circles under those eyes because she's an insomniac with too many thoughts. [thoughts that can't be figured out.] her mind is like a rubiks cube; scattered silly with splashes of rainbow colour and moving at constant. [but does it ever find an answer?]

she loves the deep colour purple, and the feel of velvet against her fingertips is heaven. she wears a ribbon of it over her left wrist to hide the pink scars underneath, scars her mother did to her when she screamed because she had horrid nightmares now trapped as a memory in her cube-mind. but now memories are her enemy and she stays up at night to keep them from repeating again.

she used to go to school, but her father took her out of it when she was seven in the second grade. "uou're too stupid for school. it doesn't want you, and neither do i." he rasps in air-depleting bitterness, like he's punching her and leaving a gaping hole in her stomach, right where her heart should be.

"i love you daddy." she whispers, shivering cold with fingers over pale cheeks by her blackened eyes. but she doesn't really love him.

he moves her fingers and shoots her a jagged fist over the head. he stares into her innocent little eyes glassy with stringy tears. he exhales a whiff of cigarette-breath and sends rings of dusty smoke sharply into her nostrils. she cringes, but doesn't move away. by now, she's used to the scent.

"i don't love you too," he says, breathing smoke rings into her eyes, fogging them gray. tears make rivers down her cheeks and she coils her fingers around the velvet bracelets on her wrists.

"daddy," she weeps again like a crying lake, "daddy, i said-"

he frowns an abyss of everything and cuts her off. "i already told you. 'i don't love you too'."

i am colouring in a wrinkled-up torn paper sketchbook on my lap, pencil clinking with the sound of windchimes between my frail fingertips as drawing thoughts soar through my summer-fixed mind. sunlight peeks through my tilted pencil and creates a rough black line edged on the side. i stop drawing for a moment, fill my lungs with blissful fresh air, and start again, refreshed with new thoughts of big-eyed children running in cascading meadows with their long hair dragging behind them like a veil intermingling with the grass below.

i am breathing the sea-sweet air through burning-warm nostrils with my feet squishing through the mutable tan-grain sand, the scorching warmth pressing against my bare skin. my salt-dry paper inside my sketchbook is covered in messy charcoal lines, and my pencil curves over its pressed hills as the golden sunlight swerves around my shadowed-pink lips opened like a rose.

at day, i am thinking of a forest surrounded by birds- lush green and yellow-orange trees dipped in autumn melody, the leaves as dry and cold but alive as my drawing paper. by night, i am thinking of the animals that run through the moonlit dirt-rustled brown path, cracking the memories before it as they run into the portruding darkness ahead.

i am hearing my heartbeat pound through the coarse air as the charcoal vermicelli lines connect, erasing my old mistakes and creating new ones in seconds. the ideas are flowing through my mind like a blue river; lush and alive and joyful.

i am remembering the sounds of life, the sounds of peace, the sound of a smile in the sunlight, and with it, all of the symphonic sounds of the today that will never come again.

yesterday i traveled among the leaves and buried critter life below my feet at the ravines. i cracked around tree branches that littered the moistened, moss-brown ground and made a symphony for the sky. mud plastered to my ligs, sticky brown socks that stretched all the way to my knees, and my fingers pricked the evergreen needles by the river. i stayed, venturing through the rest of the forest until twilight carved purple-pink cotton candy and the sun faded like a dying light into the darkness. that night, i walked home with the stars holding my hands. it was april 16th.

april 17th.
the sky was mourning today, its large, stretching eyes bruised gray and black. they cried to their peers on the ground. lightning was around its face, angry, jagged emotion, and thunder boomed like a beating drum for its throat. i still went out a bit after dawn, just as the rain fell to a nourishing sprinkle, and the grass at my feet was wet, but not soaked. deep in the outlooks of the forest, where green and transparent beads sparkled at the tips of leaves like emerald ballet dancers, i met two rain-wet children, huddling to one another beneath an oak tree with weeping ends for living branch. they were soft-spoken children with skin the colour of snow and matching eyes with a flowery curve of washed electric blue. tints of bright green bokeh swirled like a twister of powdered jewels below their dark, thin eyelashes.

they told me their names were sophie and leo, both eight years young and twins identically. sophie was a doll with twigs for legs and layers of undulating chocolate long locks that shone, as if polished. her eyes, large like saucers, glared blankly at me with a glassy surface. among her body was a dress, white like an angel's wings. its straps were thin on her circular little shoulders and its waistline was decorated in a satin white ribbon, tied like a rabbit's ears.the ends of that ribbon fell to the end of the dress, just above her little knees. her lips were thinned and very pale, as if they were covered in chalk.

leo was just a quiet soul as well, but much more striking because of an intensity he held strongly to. his eyes were blossoming fields of turquoise and strangely coloured lagerstromeia, of which deeply pitted into my soul like an anfractuous ocean. he reminded me of a deep blue sea and fireworks the moment they exploded. his hair was just as pretty as sophie's, the same colour, but at shorter length. he was also just as thin, a beautiful skeleton in black pants with mud intertwining their cuffs and a white shirt with a silver design dull on the front. hanging about his neck was a sparkling gold chain. i happened to also notice there were pale little freckles on the bridge of his nose, barely visible at first glance, but there. he told me he had an insouciant mind, and that sophie's mind was exquisitely unique. i told him he reminded me of an ocean, like i had thought, with many shades of blue, and sophie reminded me of a harp.

we talked after for many countless hours as sunlight patches peeked through spaces of trees and send golden rays to our eyes and around our bodies. birds chirped song and symphony all around us, as if playing with our words. the sky had become blue like their eyes, the storm long gone, and was now free of any cloud, utterly flawless. we were warm under the comfort of the withering, old tree with the fortune of years as the afternoon continued to purify. all was golden, all words were radiant, feelings were waterfalls, and love become a rose in hours, glowing brightly in friendship.

they walked me home when night finally came and told me they'd see me again tomorrow. it was only then i realized i forgot to ask them where they lived. peacefully, my late vespertine thoughts fell into a zephyr of darkness, and silence took me to sleep, questions still hanging in my mind.

april 18th.
mother left early this morning again with footsteps of great tantivity, leaving me half-awake amongst my billowed sheets, rose-petal comforter, and cloud pillows. she told me she'd be back later and exited slowly, pouring all quiet to my room. at eight, i had a bowl of cereal and left to venture through the forest and deep ravines again, anticipating when i'd see sophie and leo. their mystery was something that truly captivated me, like a bee to honey. i toppled on top of rocks by the river as the sun peaked higher into the sky of blue. the water was cool as it touched spaces of my feet, with comforting sound and elegance.

i spotted leo first. he was walking on leaves with a piece of tree in his hand, proudly grasping it as if it was a sword with a lethal touch. the gold still chain still hung at his neck, like yesterday. i asked him where sophie was. he said with a voice like a hummingbird's wings that she was sitting at the withering oak where i first saw them. he told me she'd named the tree 'willow', and that was going to always be its name. it knew its name, he told me, almost hypnotically, guiding me toward sophie.

she was sitting against willow, legs folded back at her face like a lawn chair, arms caressing her kneecaps. she stared downward for a long time, as if perpending something. her gaze was vacant, like she was in another world, another universe no one but her could see. her body was still, unmoving like a fragile blade of grass. her skin that day was nearly pellucid, and her veins reminded me of the roots that flourished beneath our phlegmatic legs. her eyes were like almost gray sapphires, as if no light contrasted behind them, like a sun overcasted by clouds.

just that expression on her face, even more blank than yesterday, terrified me. i asked her what was wrong, and she looked up at me with questioning, darkened intensity, like burning fire, and told me nothing. a strange tone clung to her voice, looking as if i'd seen something ridiculous. immediately after, she went back to staring with a cold, hollow demeanor. words had been sucked from my throat at that moment, leaving my curiosity even more malicious, but i did not clench the thirst i felt.

i did not speak to sophie for the next three days.

april 22nd.
leo and i have become friends, tighter than glue. he is either at my side or behind me like a second shadow. over the past three days, i feel as if i've known him all of forever. though i learn something new about him every day that passes, he's become the brother i never had. yesterday he was telling me of his father he had not seen since he was merely an infant. he was in the army, he said to me, and that he looked just like him. every month or so, they would receive a letter from him in the mail, and his paper would smell of earth and gunpowder. the paper would be scratched and its edges soiled,  handwriting rigid, but always readable. he'd even sent pictures, once. leo loved getting them; he kept every letter his father ever sent to him and his family, cherishing the memories and love whenever he felt reason to.

but one day the letter never came. leo waited and waited, anxiously anticipating  his father's latest news like we did tomorrow, but it never reached his hands. leo cried with a great vulgar cacophony when two, three, six months had passed, and he was still absent. i knew what had happened to leo's father, though he never went into detail about his death. i just didn't know what to say to him.

that was when i figured out my brother didn't have a father, either. later he also told me he also had lost his mother.

april 24th.
yesterday sophie fell into the river. we were spooring a trail of rocks where the water deepened and the current quickened to play hide and seek. her screams were utterly horrific, an eidetic sound as she splashed rapidly in the water like a scared animal. we watched the current drag her and chased and screamed as loud as we could. we followed, sprinting after her for a long while until leo found a large broken tree branch almost bigger than him lying on the ground. the two of us frantically pulled  to get sophie out of the water. she was lucky to be alive, because she said she couldn't swim well.

afterward, sophie cried, frozen like a statue in pure fear, shivering and whimpering like a saddened puppy. it was the first time i saw any real emotion in sophie, she had become a doll of wax that let her emotions pour from her levels to the fire that broke her.

today was quiet and still, a shoot from a silent movie where just our minds spoke, yet our voices never had the courage to speak.

april 26th.
it has been violently storming outside for the past two days; it feels like a thundering hurricane is surrounding us. i was forced to stay inside with mother and we played scrabble on the pink and brown carpet in the living room. i made strange phrases. mother spelled out the word "spirit". as if i was picking away flower petals, i counted and tore at each and every hour, awaiting when i'd be able to see them again.

it took another two days to clear. my eyes almost didn't stay intact.

april 29th.
i rushed out this morning like a cheetah racing for its kill. the morning dew was fresh and thick against my feet. the haze in the air was a thick gray sheet that hung limply and profoundly in the air, barely providing silhouettes of a dim forest to my eyes. softly, the quiet music of birds played.

i found them at willow, where i usually saw them first. it was their favourite spot. leo was climbing carefully to her branches and willfully helped sophie up to her feet on steady bark, a few feet below him. she had even less colour to her face, and her eyes were almost pale sheets of blank white paper. she kept coughing, an almost guttural sound, like a sickened animal. i was very afraid from her now. she looked so ill.

i tried to climb up with them, and sophie, suddenly, fell toward me. she hadn't slipped; just fallen, like a bird that had broken its wings and was unable to fly. i caught her arms barely without falling, the rest of her body was askew. the sound of many branches cracking were our voices, and with a poignant, screeching motion, willow's arm shattered from under me and i came crashing to the ground, thrashing wildly. it all sounded like out of control firecrackers.

i had not fainted, but everything for a just a moment was black and silent. when my eyes were able to open, i was laying near sophie on my side. her hair was tattered all around her face, looking like uprooted tree veins. part of me was much too weak to move. leo came to me as my senses returned to my body. sophie was quiet for quite a time, and worry filled my terrified soul. the harp was silent. i almost began to cry.

but leo told me she was all right, that she had merely lost consciousness and would avert back to us when she was ready. she was probably in that dream world again, wandering about its fields in her imagination. it was early they left me that day, sophie held on leo's back, her legs held by his arms, like a pretzel, and her arms around his neck.  leo kept his head down to keep sophie's hands together, as if he was keeping a lock shut. i felt i was seeing less and less of them each day now. i also noticed there were less stars in the sky at night.

april 30th.
i came to willow later in the day, lackluster and dull with hope, still feeling guilty for what had happened the previous day. worry still swished inside my stomach, butterflies fluttered around timidly, keeping colour from my cheeks. i felt much like sophie, knowing i had nearly no pigment to my face. i felt like a dull white lightbulb, like the snow that fell to the ground in the cascading frailness of frosty winter, pale white sheets, and of a ghost the ones children dressed up as on halloween, hidden beneath sheets, only this time it was real. part of me wondered if i could disappear, the way sophie had on the inside, leaving only a shell of herself behind. i felt such depressing ruth for sophie now.

willow was empty of them, vacant, and the wind, almost speaking her voice, wailed with a wistful mourning for their white-fleshed children. willow was lonely; it looked as if no one had even ventured her way in years, through we were just here yesterday.

where are you two? i thought, scanning each inch of nearby tree. all i saw was emerald above me, around me, everywhere. there was no twinkle to the forest, no magical feeling, as if its flame of beauty had burned out, as if some piece to the puzzle was missing. it's because they're not here. i knew. their presence was gone. everywhere i looked, there was nothing but dullness. no light seemed to proliferate anywhere, and the radiance, the beautiful bijou that claimed the forest had suddenly just disappeared. the ravines seemed almost silent.

i left the forest that day feeling completely hopeless. something told me that there was one day more, one more day. i wished i knew why.

may 1st.
today i found only leo, his spine oscitant and eyes tear-filled in inevitable sadness. dark shadows flourished beneath his eyes in gloomy purple-black crescents, and his skin was unusually void of colour, as if drained like sophie's. instantly, there was wrongness to his face, it was massively distorted in such agony one could not begin to fathom. he was rocking back and forth, his legs folded in an almost fatidic, adumbrated shock. it was as if such a strange, out-of-character gesture would comfort him.

"she's gone, gone," he suspired, uttering more words under his breath i couldn't understand. his eyes were wide like a fortune teller's pearl, still shining blue-green.

"who's gone?" i whispered.

"sophie.... she.....she... died yesterday."

"sophie died?" i murmured, a quiet anguish overcoming my voice. "how? .....why....?" came a whisper of my own, after puddles of silence. tears filled my eyes.

"leukemia. she had tuberculosis, too. she's with daddy now, singing, singing about rain and spiders..." he muttered, with a ringing tone in his words that almost caught me as psychotic in shock.

i told him many countless times how sorry i was. his pain was something i couldn't begin to understand. his mother, his father, his sister. he's none of a family left but me. we're brother and sister, but not by blood.

i was crying, letting every feeling pour in and out of my tears. he cried, not bitterly, not calm like i had thought, but sobbed in sadness as i cradled him like a mother to a child newborn to the world in my arms. he writhed phrases in-between his sobs, sniffles, and wails, clinging to my shirt in helpless instinct and mourning. for hours i comforted leo, and sometimes he comforted me as i cried. i felt like forever passed us by when i realized something.

the harp that was sophie was a beautiful instrument i'd never gotten to play. somehow, that seemed to make everything worse.

may 2nd.
the forest was as dull as ever. i had the feeling of emptiness again, that leo had gone again like yesterday's wind and teardroplets.

and i was right. at willow that day, who was dying and slumping downward even more, i saw something shimmering from a low branch. it was leo's golden necklace, hanging like a christmas ornament. not far from the golden chain was a piece of thin, small rectangular paper tied to a separate limb with black string.

don't ever forget when we fell here. someday we'll play scrabble together, i promise.
s o p h i e
p
i
r
i
t.
i'll never forget you."
the letters were written exactly as that in pale blue ink the colour of sophie's eyes the last day i had seen her.

i cried that night, too, with the note in my hand, lying on mother's scrabble board. leo's necklace hung on my neck.

two days later, there was a body of a young boy found in a river in the forest. his name was leo harlenson, and on his arms were words scratched to his skin by a piece of bark. on his right was "watch me disappear", and his left read "now you see me, now you don't". they said he'd been dead for over a month. part of me thought i was dreaming, and questioned whether or not they had been real in the first place. i wanted to tell myself it was all a nightmare, that it would all disappear eventually like the morning fog, but my eyes in reality were wide open the whole time.

i was walking slowly with dense footsteps through the cool, wet concrete pavement. my mind was filled with an infinity of thoughts, like the millions of raindrops that so solemnly surrounded me. they were clear, easy to figure out, completely transparent, but my mind wasn't even close to being that, let alone translucent. i didn't know what to think anymore.

the raindrops were blurring my vision, cooling off the warm tears that were trying to stay hidden beneath my darkened, gloomy eyes. by now, i was completely soaked from head to toe. my midnight hair had matted against my face like glue, waving in cool wisps at my eyes. my stone-washed jeans were tattered and soaked, leaving my legs freezing and wet, bones struggling not to shake form weakness. the rain had turned my once blue shirt into a splotchy navy-like color, the color that was beginning to match exactly how I was feeling: depressed and nearly thoughtless. i guess this is how a fugitive on was supposed to feel.

whoosh. going straight through the water. coming my direction.

nervously, i sped my pace. a car. was it the police? i didn't want to find out. thinking frantically with all the sanity of a mind i still had,  i threw my jacket's hood over my messy, damp head that was beginning to feel like a mop, hoping not to be too noticed. breathing deeply, i tried to act more casual as the car, possible doom, came closer toward me. with every sound of moving rubble and vibrant splash shooting back, my heart skipped a beat, nervousness rushed through my veins with a newfound fear that was eating through my confidence like some kind of vicious parasite. what if it was the police? my hands were beginning to tremble inside my pockets. if it was them, what would I say?
   
god.....it wasn't hard to admit at all. i was guilty, goddammit, guilty! i wanted to scream it to the whole world and end up with no breath left in my lungs to spare. maybe then i'd get lucky and let the rain swallow me internally, so i'd drown in my own shouts and hatred. then maybe i, too, would experience death like my brother that i had so maliciously killed. and it was not an accident by any means. that was the part that gave me the most intense feeling of dreaded guilt. why couldn't I just die already?! i didn't want to go to jail, running away seemed like the last resort i had left to find my own means of how i'd die. i wouldn't rot, nonono, not yet.
 
oxygen was taken in sharp inhales as the car came to a screeching halt in front of me. my eyes widened in pure horror, what to do, what to do, what to say?!
   

it pulled up to me, a dark SUV. one of its tinted windows opened and a dark haired woman with short, spiky locks hanging at the sides of her face stuck her head out slightly into the rain. a boom of thunder exploded from the sky, followed by bright flashes of almost blinding lightning. through the flashes, i realized that the woman was no one i knew at all. and better yet, she didn't have a cop uniform on, at least not that i could tell.
   
"can I help you with something ma'am?" i questioned her politely, trying to keep the look of guilt from appearing on my face. the less suspicion she had, the better off i was.
"what?" she asked, stunned, eyes like saucers. "honey, you need help! you're all alone in a bad storm like this! what in the world are you doing out here?!"

i pursed my lips, waiting for an answer to come to my bland and empty mind.

"i....i was leaving a friend's house, and i guess i took a wrong turn got l...lost." my delicate lying skill almost brought a smile to my face. this had to pull it off.
 "do you need a ride or something? i'd be more than happy to help you, sweetie!" she looked genuinely concerned, so was completely reassured i had it in the bag.
"uhhm, no thanks, i think i can carry on myself now, i'm pretty sure i know where i'm going. thank you though!" i began to start walking again like nothing had ever happened, feeling like i was about to explode.


slam. the car sped up again, and this time the woman stepped out of the car a few feet in front of me.

it was a cop.

 "oh, shit!!" i screamed, my voice uneven, faltering at the border of horror and shock. the adrenaline was beginning to take over my body. a damn undercover cop.
   
i took off in a dead sprint through the pouring rain, my breaths shaky and uncontrolled. run, run, run, run! those words echoed through my head rapidly, now all i could rationally think.
   
i took a glance back. oh no. she was still coming after me, almost deadlocked in a straight sprint, and gaining on me fast like some kind of cheetah after its prey. i was at a complete disadvantage, being only five-foot-two at age seventeen, especially for running. my legs were too short. she had at close to half a foot on me, which meant longer and faster strides for her. yet another strike against me.
   
suddenly, i felt my legs thrash back quickly. my body was beginning to propel forward, and i found myself heading headfirst for the asphalt. before i could even attempt to comprehend it, i was laying on the ground with my head throbbing so badly i wanted to start crying. through the corner of my eye, i could see waves of thick ribbons of blood mixing in with the puddles of water, tinting them a sanguine.
   
"amber carin, you're under arrest," i heard her say moments later, "for the murder of your brother, jack carin."
   
i didn't say anything in my last moments of consciousness, because there was nothing i possibly could've. my mind had become even more bitter and vacant. you're out of options. i told myself grimly.  
   
but there was one thing that filled the void eternally, the only thing i seemed to know was right at the moment. silence. sweet, golden, effervescent silence.
   

alone.    

the little girl suddenly looked admist the bleak group of people, scared and utterly shocked. her shining curly golden-honey hair bounced inside its pigtails as she whirled her head in all directions, eagerly searching for her mother, who was now nowhere to be found. all she saw was unfimilar figures grazing past her in tight bunches like she didn't even exist, the icy, carefree shadows casting remnants of darkness onto her. These people immersed her in great fear and anxiety.
 
"Mommy?" She cried in anticipation, still whirling around.

there was no answer.

she whimpered like a puppy. "mommy, where are you?"
   
and yet, still no answer from her sweet mother that she caressed so deeply.
   
she began running against the crowd of people with her smooth ivory-violet dress beautifully flowing behind her, frantically searching for her guide and love.
    
"can i help you, little one?" a sudden voice asked curiously, that of a man in his older age. he knelt down in front of her and put his pale fingers on her chin and just stared at her rounded face for what felt like minutes while the crowd made a slitted path around them. his eyes were completely piercing, seeming to cascade and swirl in a deep blue beauty for miles on end, like an endless ocean.
   

she stood firmly, now staring into the eyes of the man with her own, barely reaching over them at her current height. she was barely over six years old.
   
"i'm looking for my mommy." she shispered softly, fear consuming her voice.
   
the man blinked bluntly but said nothing for a moment as the wind blew into his face.
   
"you're looking for your mother, are you?"
   
she nodded, her majority of curls bouncing in front of the corners of her eyes.
   
he took her hand and starting guiding her through the crowd, acting as her leader. still she just stared, not at the people now looking down at her, but at the man. she didn't stare at his wrinkled and rough face, nor his grayed and aged hair, but she stared into his eyes which showed deep caring and compassion in a sympathetic manner for her. his eyes made her feel loved.
   
"will you help me, old man?" she asked softly, so quietly like a mockingbird that she almost wasn't heard in the echo of footsteps coming from the hurrying dusk crowd. a smile emerged from his windblown-cracked lips.
   
"yes. i will help you, young one. but may i ask your name first?"
   
"my name is emily." she said urgently, her mind eagerly thinking of her mother's beautiful face and calming voice.
   
"well, emily, we'll find your mother for you, i promise." he assured proudly. as a reaction, emily smiled brightly.
   
they walked the next few feet together. "emily, what does your mother look like?"
   
"well...." her eyes rose up toward the darkening evening sky and grew wide with thought. the purple and peach-coloured streaks made it look as if it was painted with fruits. "she has long brown hair and dark brown eyes. She was wearing a red shirt and long shorts with a pretty butterfly necklace."
   
the man gazed around vividly, searching for her. "is that her over there?" he pointed forward and motioned for emily to look. in the distance next to a now dark shop, there was a woman with some sort of necklace shining brightly, reflecting off a streetlight near a curb, just as described.
  
"mommy!" emily raced forward, her hair streaming backward as easy and carefree as thin thread as she slammed through the crowd at top speed with her mother in plain sight.
   

the woman turned around, her eyes wide with surprise as she searched for the screaming child.  "oh, emily!" she cried, embracing her tightly inside her arms with her head down, struggling not to cry. "i've been looking everywhere for you, sweetheart! i was so scared! please don't ever run away from me again!" emily hugged her tightly as well, crushing the air inside her lungs as she sobbed loudly with relief. the whole crowd was looking at them now, attracting a theatrical scene.
   
her mother stood up, holding emily's hand as she walked over toward the aged man. "thank you so much for helping my child." she said in relief, her tear-filled eyes shimmering in the silver moonlight. "i'm very grateful. What can i ever do to repay you?"
   

the man smiled again, almost humored with her words. "i know what it's like to lose the child you love. it gives you eternal dread and everlasting grief. your words are plenty enough for me, but i require just one thing. Just try to keep her out of danger and temptation....i want you to take good care of your emily....she is absolutely darling and will emerge into a beautiful woman just like you." he started to walk off, leaving the woman and child behind. he waved.
   

"are you sure?" she called after him with an echoing, loud voice, surprised.
   

he glared back, still smiling and waving his hand back and forth. it was him. she now recognized him and fully realized who he was. she had seen his face on the news before, back a few years ago. his wife daughter had died in a fire a few years back.
   
"i'm positive."